Archiv der Kategorie: Communication

Communication consists of perception, thought models and communication behavior.

Mistaken I-message

In our deepest inner self, we are all experienced communicators, because we interact with others every day. Already before we are born, we are in contact with our environment. After birth, by and by, words, gestures and intonation are added. Despite this long practice, we often struggle to find the right tone and posture – not to mention the right words. On the contrary. We, especially in the Western world, are prepared to intensify negatively any argument with respective statements. The resulting spiral is spinning downwards until a participant refuses further discourse. An effective instrument for breaking this vicious circle is the I-message that is unfortunately often mistaken.

With I-message, the sender conveys its actual needs and feelings to the recipients, without forcing the receiver with reproaches into the defensive. This prevents the reflex of the need to defend oneself. The I-message consists of the following elements.

  • Expressing the own condition
    Personal statements are a matter of one’s own condition in the I-message. The four sides of a message call these statements self-revelation. Facts about yourself as well as your own thoughts and feelings are communicated. These may have been triggered by the people involved. However, the reference is not expressed with an accusation. Rather, feelings are formulated that result from the behavior or statements of the other people.
    Example: “I am frustrated that I still was not able to make my point.”
  • Avoid negative reviews
    The fastest way into a conflict is the devaluation of the others. This begins with a disdainful tone, goes over mockery, to negative comments and disrespectful criticism. Contempt, in whatever form, pollutes every relationship. These messages are terrorist attacks on the psyche of the victim. Some hide them in messages that start with “I”. Therefore, it is important to ensure that you do not incorporate negative judgments and assessments of the other person into the I-messages. Eventually, the other person would not be able to receive the clumsy I-message without the pressure to defend it.
    Example: “It is hard for me to deliver my part of the work on time as soon as you are unexpectedly absent”.
  • Formulate no blame
    The increase in the negative assessment is blame. The normal case is that something does not work out as it was originally planned. In this case, mostly external and internal influences are involved. The task is to recognize these difficulties and to solve them together. As soon as somebody gets blamed, the person may give up and would only want to keep further damage away from itself. The causes can always be found in the circumstances and not in the people involved. An I-message can nip the mutual accusation in the bud.
    Example: “I am unhappy that I did not see and react to this problem sooner.”
  • Keeping the relationship
    An important function of the I-message is the preservation of the existing relationship. Aggressiveness can jeopardize business and private relationships with the other people. The questioning of the relationship is risky. Sometimes it is the general lamentation about a contract or an intangible problem that results in a strain for the relationship. A good resort is to occasionally express satisfaction about the good collaboration to refresh the positive atmosphere.
    Example: “I am glad that we got that far together.”
  • Sending clear messages
    Unnecessary burden in the discourse are ambiguous statements that can be interpreted positively and negatively. Common content has often gone a long way until its final wording. Everything should be clear. Nevertheless, there are always contentual discrepancies. In order to avoid them, it makes sense to address certain issues again and again and to check whether the common understanding still exists.
    Example: “For me, our goal is to solve this problem.”

Bottom line: The I-message is one of the most important means of expression. These are statements that do not just start with “I”. Rather, it is a positive I-statement that prevents the negative escalation of feelings among the participants, e.g. during a discussion or conversation. The basis are the expression of one’s own condition, the avoidance of negative assessments and blaming, clear messages and statements that preserve the relationship. This de-escalating communication style maintains an acceptable climate in the conversation as well as the commitment of the participants.

The best example remains the practical example

What is said, when the listeners do not understand, what they are hearing? “As a producer of traditional food made from ground grains, H2O, storing of gases and a few extras, kneaded to dough and then baked in an oven you achieve a real sales growth, when you focus on motivating the so far not present, complementary consumer segments in directly investing in your products.” Thoughtless, abstract descriptions rarely lead to the target. The best example remains the practical example.

The examples will become practical by considering the following aspects.

  • Target group-oriented examples
    The most important thing by far is the consideration of the target group. What makes a target group? The first question to ask is about the factors that differentiate them. This can be professional, functional, cultural, application-oriented or other things – the industry sector, the functional area in the company, the Asian culture, the IT solution or cost aspects, etc. The examples should be chosen according to the interests of the target group.
  • Easy to apply
    Examples need to relate to the reality of the audience. Only then, they can be transferred. Describe the cases deviating magnitudes from the target group, strange problem areas or other cultural realities, the stories may be good, but unfortunately not realizable. For appropriate examples, it is necessary to understand the use cases of the target group, in order to provide appropriate templates.
  • 7plusminus2
    Regardless of the target group, the examples should not exceed the processing capacity of people. Investigations have shown that all people can handle 7plusminus2 chunks. A chunk is one of up to nine elements, which can be kept in the short-term memory. This means for the examples that they use as few chunks as possible in a statement, e.g. various influence factors. This ensures that the listener is not overwhelmed by too much information and eventually can not remember anything.
  • Free of abstract terms
    Even rocket scientists do not understand everything. On the one hand there are the terms of a subject area, which are continuously extended. On the other hand these are the abstract terms, e.g. complexity, strategy, model, effectiveness, efficiency, etc., which trigger different ideas in everybody’s mind. Since an example should show reliably a situation, at best avoid abstract terms.

It is not always possible to personally assess the concrete circumstances. Nevertheless the target group should be imagined in advance. This can be done by visualizing it in front of its inner eye, sometimes by listening to its inner ear, or by feeling sensibly into the situation. Articles and contributions on the Internet provide a lot of information concerning the respective topic. With these impressions, you will almost automatically be closer to the target group than if you do not anticipate it in advance.

Bottom line: The statement in the beginning will be incomprehensible to most people, although it is written in plain English. The sentence could also be formulated as follows: In order to win new customers for your baked goods, you, as a baker, can go out of your shop to the streets for exciting passers-by with fresh bread samples out of your assortment. Only few of us are bakers and yet we can understand this message. Whenever we want to communicate something to others, it is helpful to use examples that are target-group oriented, easy applicable, contain 7plusminus2 messages, and are free of abstract terms. The best example remains the practical example.